WARNING: still really self-absorbed
Yesterday at my birthday party people started sharing embarrassing moments of me and somehow multiple friends remembered me as someone who “told her love stories for hours with great passion and details” and “declared Love as her religion as we watched the Man burn”. Oh god, I don’t even want to lie, that is so me.
I already wrote about my Burning Man love story here. But it wasn’t just Burning Man that made this current version of me, someone who declares her love and exhibits her feeling and thinking with less shame and less fear. So many things happened since my last birthday.
Just around this time last year I hopelessly fell in love with a boy that seemed to have come out of my dreams. So many butterflies that took wings and become flustered, so many fantasies that conjured up and become broken. I was devastated for months as it was ending in slow motion, although I knew that it was doomed to be that way since the beginning. During that time, I got to draw, write poetry, listen to sad music, and mostly *cry* so much, simply because there were too many feelings inside. It felt so good to be so in touch with my vulnerable side that I wanted to stay that way long after the breakup.
Blessed by the breakup and the free time I had, I finally was motivated to do so many things that make me feel good, instead of look good for the first time in my life in a long, long while. Maybe since childhood.
I got to go to One Salon and Consciousness Hacking meet-ups more frequently. I had a lot more conversations about challenges and learnings in life with similar growth-oriented people. I made meaningful close friends that support each other in our ups and downs, traffic jams, bad hookups, salary negotiations, friend breakups and constant need of snuggles.
I accumulated enough confidence and courage to explore my sexuality and started dating girls after years of being curious. It made me understand my body and my psyche in new ways. It prompted me to be more assertive in my needs and desires. I came out as bisexual publicly online.
I was fed up with my psoriasis, a supposedly incurable chronic skin I’ve had since maybe age 12 and started doing everything I could to find its cause rather than just relieve its symptoms. I recorded my daily meals with ingredient details, activity level, sleep patterns, skin reactions on a spreadsheet for 8 months. I discovered some pattern and decided to try a low-carb, no sugar, basically Keto diet. I meal prepped weekly and cut out rice, bread, pastries, noodles, beans, potato, dessert, boba milk tea and almost all processed snacks completely in my life. It was super hard but it worked miraculously. I landed on a less-restrictive diet for me to be symptom-free with no medicine or treatment.
I learned ways of staying active that I actually enjoy. Running, hiking, taking fitness classes, but most importantly dancing. I was introduced to contact improv and ecstatic dance in May and since then I gradually abandoned my fear of physical intimacy and gained body acceptance and self-love. Now if you will find me flying and crawling most Sunday mornings at Ecstatic SF.
I discovered ways to stay true to my authentic self and make meaningful connections in group environments. As an introvert and HSP, my default mode is alone so this was also really hard. I did group hiking trips. I moved to 11-people community house called Mission Control in July. I helped design activities and led cooking for Blues House at Ephemerisle. I mingled industriously among the CounterReality community centered around Lihui’s spirit and Lucy’s friends. I went to my first Burning Man, explored and unleashed my emotions, my body and my soul with the help of companions, substances, and serendipities. I was inspired to develop my idea of creating space for people to be vulnerable together into a unique event which I named as Sad Party. Think authentic relating plus crying. I hosted it twice at Mission Control and attracted some really amazing souls to share some really emotionally-intimate moments in our lives together. I realized I could be of service to a community.
I examined how I showed up in my relationships. I attended Landmark Forum and was encouraged to share with people the ways I’ve been inauthentic with them. I gathered the courage to call my parents in China and read them a letter detailing the impact of their abusive parenting to my childhood and my years of inner work to overcome that experience and find ways to forgive them and appreciate them. I announced my unwavering love and offer to connect more in the end and received their positive response. This was a life-changing moment for me, as I have lived in the shadow of self-doubt from not receiving words of affirmation from my Chinese parents for years. That phone call was the first time I heard them saying that they are proud of me since after primary school. Ever since we have become comfortable at expressed more care and appreciation towards each other. When my mom came to visit me in September, I took her to dance, dine, cruise, shop, socialize together like we were friends, and she shed tears as she talked about how she misses me and cares about me. No words could describe how relieved I felt knowing that I amended my relationship with my parents while they are still active and alive and we will have much more improved quality time together.
I fell in love again, of course. But I didn’t just fall in love, which is just everyday for me. I fell in love with one of my best friends and became determined to abandon my fear to really invest in a relationship. I tried hard at not sabotaging it. I leveled up my communication skills. I confronted my avoidant patterns and strived for emotional transparency and sexual agency. I endeavored to seek and create meaning in little moments of life. I embraced support instead of pushing it away, invited involvement of a joint-social life, and shared visions of a future separate or together. I realized it doesn’t work to wait for love to find me and then blame it to be fake when it’s not the way I want. I have to be love.
I began writing again. It was first just journaling, but soon I started recording not just my moods or todo lists but also introspecting on events that occurred and words that people uttered that stirred me and the reasons, past experiences, personality patterns behind that. I enjoyed the tracking and the recounting part, but mostly the self-diagnosis and self-therapy part. I attended writing workshops and gathered writing buddies to keep me accountable, although I still was held back by my fear of being not good enough. As of today, I have 148 Google doc pages of journal entries since this February, one medium blog post narrating my burning man experience, and two unfinished drafts of other stories. I’ve been artistic or creative my whole life, yet it wasn’t until this year that I finally come back to a very special voice that I’ve lost since childhood that was meant to fulfill me, an author and an audience in one, rather than to entertain others. This voice is emotionally honest and revealing, expressing the personal and the universal, aspire to transform all its experiences into something profound and creative. I saw my role as a storytelling, meaning-making agent.
Yep, those all happened this year. I agree, it’s crazy. Mostly possible because I am incredibly privileged, with the time and place I am and resource I have in life, but also because I am somewhat intentional in choosing personal growth as my main goal of this year.
At the same time, I am still figuring it out. Still having imposter syndrome at work, just had an emotional breakdown three days ago because of social anxiety, haven’t caught up with my other set of parents in Ohio from my exchange year for a long while, and been feeling guilty of not finishing my draft for more blog posts for two months now. Oh well. This will be a lifelong project of self-transformation.
I love the coincidence of having my birthday on Thanksgiving day. I make it mean that I will not take things for granted. I aspire to be always grateful and giving, continuing to show up as my authentic self and using my actions to find fulfillment in my impact.
Looking forward for more laughing and more crying this coming year. Especially the crying.
